DO This, NOT That…Volume 2!

Things That Stop Being Cute When You’re 25 and Older

Alternately Titled: Things That Were Never Cute, But Are Even Worse When You’re a Fucking Grown-Up

1. Being late.
I get it. You live by your own, super important schedule, but don’t disrespect my life and valuable time just because you’re lazy. It’s not cute, it’s insanely selfish and impolite.

2. Acronyms. FTLOG, UYW, YM.*
For the love of God, use your words, you morons. The corporate world has enough of that vague BS going on, if you’d really like to “fuck your life,” have the balls to say it outright. It’s not cute, it implies you probably also say “epic fail” and, for that, we loathe you.
 
3. Actively texting, Facebooking, whatevering on your phone while you’re “having” an in-person “conversation” with someone else.
The sarcastic quotation marks mean that we all know you’re not listening to us. Just…duh. It’s not cute, plus we also all know you’re not that popular.

4. Being cheap.
Always pay your own way, be generous to others less fortunate, don’t do things if you can’t afford them - and don’t make others feel guilty if they can. Chances are they work harder than you. And coupons are great but don’t be weird about it. It’s not cute, it’s just pathetic.

5. Asking dumb questions.
You know what the biggest lie we tell kids is? That there are no dumb questions. THERE ARE. And the kids that ask them grow up to be the people who don’t know Google can tell you everything and that I am not responsible for solving your life/logistical problems for helpless you. I will but it’s not doing you any favors. It’s not cute, it’s infuriating.
 
6. Posting pictures of yourself taken by yourself.
Even worse? Pretending like you don’t know it’s being taken. It’s not cute, it’s embarrassing for all of us.
 
7. Alcohol as an excuse and/or talking point.
Obviously I love booze but here’s the thing, if you ever try to disclaim something by saying “I was really drunk” and you are over 25, you’re done. If you start a story with “I was so shitfaced this is how I embarrassed everyone this weekend…” and you are over 25, you’re done. It’s not cute, it’s messy, dangerous and trite.
 
8. Gossiping.
Venting is one thing, vindictive is another. It’s not cute, it will ruin all of your friendships.
 
9. Overbooking yourself on purpose.
Don’t be the flaky friend, guys. You know who you are. You say “Yeah, let’s do this on this date at this time…” and then the day-of you text because something (probably better) has come up. Plans change, of course, just be polite about it, not chronic. It’s not cute, it’s untrustworthy.
 
10. Lamenting your love life.
Please don’t hate me for this one. I know that sometimes it sucks to be single and that dating is incredibly hard, I don’t discount that, but you will never get anywhere if you’re not positively proactive about it. Be honest, open, confident and a bit adventurous and you will find love. Be bitter, disappointed and enslaved and you will find yourself alone. It’s not cute, it’s inhibiting your happiness.

The One About What Makes it Not Work All the Time

Obviously…

I stumbled upon this article as I logged on to my LinkedIn account so that they’d stop sending harassing emails about dirty old club owners who wanted to “connect with me,” and it really resonated. Instead of just saying “no” to drugs and liquor (I was a D.A.R.E. role model), how about I politely decline things that I don’t have time or just don’t want to do? 

I found the following snippet to speak volumes not just about me but about many of the over-achieving friends and 20-somethings I know. So take a gander and, perhaps, a break!

Truth be told, there’s also an adrenaline rush in saying yes. Many of us have become addicted, unwittingly, to the speed of our lives — the adrenalin high of constant busyness. We mistake activity for productivity, more for better, and we ask ourselves “What’s next?” far more often than we do “Why this?” But as Gandhi put it, “A ‘no’ uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a ‘yes’ merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble.”

Unless, of course, it’s me that’s asking you to do something. Just say “yes,” because I’m awesome.

Art: the MCA’s & Mine | A Little Zazzle Do Ya!

One of the reasons we moved to a bigger city is to be continually surrounded by the creativity and electric artistry these metropolises afford, so we couldn’t turn down a free evening at the Museum of Contemporary Art, recurring each Tuesday for Illinois residents. Good thing I got this ID thing, eh? 

He and I are both waaaaaay more well-versed in the musical art forms so we were open to the challenge of interpreting and enjoying the contemporary art offered to us. Some of it was totally rad and some looked like our bedroom when neither of us bother to make the bed. No, really, a pile o’ pillows counted as an installment. Anyone want to explain that to me? Whether incredible or amusing, it didn’t matter, we had a great time.

Meanwhile, we’ve been making a little art of our own. Most recently I created a print on Zazzle.com for LESS THAN $10 and purchased an equally inexpensive frame from Ikea and, voila!, we have an attractive print with sentimental value to proudly display. If you’re on Pinterest you’re constantly exposed to these ideas that look fabulous but to which we’ll never get around…ha! I showed you, Pinterest! These are lyrics from our incredibly appropriate first dance song and now we’ll see them as we greet each day. I only wish we could somehow have it play Jason’s amazing rendition of it.

Feel good, friends.

Making it Work in the Windy City

“Everything in moderation, including moderation.” I try very hard to live a life of balance, knowing that sometimes I will do/buy/eat all of everything and other times I should cut back. This also describes my Internet presence, or lack thereof, this weekend. Sometimes you just need to chill out and there is no better time for that than when your sister and brother-in-law come to town. While I was busy NOT webbin’ it up, I balanced it with an inordinate amount of fun and indulgence. We also celebrated our one-month anniversary in Chicago and I think it’s time I shared our top 5 spots enjoyed thus far!

1. Scoozi! - 410 W. Huron, River North, (312) 943-5900
Besides being a mere five minute walk from our apartment, this renowned eatery is part of the Lettuce Entertain You crew almost guaranteeing a great experience. Still, dining out with a big group is always a bit of a challenge in the city and the folks at Scoozi handled it with ease and aplomb. The wide-open dining room features vaulted ceilings and is remarkably larger than other downtown restaurants and somehow the noise level wasn’t distracting at all - then again, it could have been because our group was the loudest there. Another plus? Nine 20-somethings enjoyed an array of salads and antipasta and no fewer than 4 ENORMOUS pizzas, plus three bottles of wine and an impressive selection of import beers for the boys all for around $315! They were happy to split the bill four ways and we were out the door with less hassle than I ever imagined. Perfect for: large groups and affordable Italian goodness. They also have several weekday specials that the boy and I are excited to try.

2. The Green Door Tavern - 678 N. Orleans, River North, (312) 664-5496
Another neighborhood gem, my husband has an unhealthy obsession with this former speak-easy (It opened in 1872!). I can’t argue, though, equal parts kitsch and cozy, there are no gimmicks here - the food is fantastic, the booze is plentiful and the fireplace is perfect for this time of year! We’ve been for a quick pint on a weeknight and then again with a group of pals this past Friday and it’s always a healthy crowd of fun-loving folks. We’ve never had to wait for a table or bump elbows with rude scene kids, and $1 will get ya three plays on the juke box. We danced to Fitz, the Knux and Britney while boozing? Nothing short of heaven. Perfect for: enjoying a pint or partying the night away in an atmosphere straight out of a Vince Vaughn movie.

3. Zed 451 - 739 N. Clark, River North, (312) 266-6691
Who says contemporary has to be condescending? Perhaps we just got lucky, but this two-story spot looks almost too glamourous to even attempt. However, on the evening we went in, it could NOT have been a more hospitable experience. The bartender detailed almost every menu item and the head chef happened to be getting a drink at the time and he told me which meal to try - he was right. They also put on the Jaguars’ game and gave us free drinks featuring a new rum they’re carrying. We expected a heftier bill based on the sheer aesthetic luxury, but were pleasantly surprised at how affordable it was. I’ve heard that their rooftop bar is all the rage in the summer and can’t wait to try it. Perfect for: feeling fancy and little west coast, happy hour and impressing ANYONE. 

4. Hub 51 - 51 W. Hubbard, River North, (312) 828-0051
This wasn’t exactly a new find as my sister turned our family on to this fabulous restaurant and bar several years ago, but it remains a favorite. Ambience? Yes. Eclectic menu? Yes. (You can get burgers AND sushi, which is perfect for this sushi-hating carnivore.) Great location? Double yes. We’ve enjoyed everything from a kicked-up weeknight dinner to a party pre-cursor here and it’s never disappointed. There’s a sizable bar for friendly meet-ups and the dining room is what I want our own to be when we build a house in California. It’s also located by a handful of uber-fun bars including Rockit, Howl at the Moon, Theory and Social 25 all of which I have attended in various states of sobriety and all of which offered an incredible time. Perfect for: birthday/bachelorette/bachelor parties and kicking off an evening to remember.

5. Our House
And by “Our House,” I really do mean the incredible apartment we call home. Whether just the two of us or entertaining guests, this place is perfect to wonder over the beauty that is the Chicago skyline without paying for over-priced booze or, hell, even putting on pants. There’s a European market across the street, fully stocked with liquor, wine, beer and the best snacks and with GrubHub, your culinary wish is my iPhone’s command. We’ll whip up a playlist to suit your preferences, break out the board games and then tuck you in as you fall asleep gazing at the Sears’ Tower. So, you coming to visit yet, friends? Are ya? Are ya? I said PLAYLIST, people! And if you’re real good, I’ll have Dunkin’ Donuts waiting for you in the a.m. because, yes, we live above one of those, too.

Honorable Mentions: Brunch - fabulous food, BYOB, only open 7-3 and the wait is intense. Sidetrack - MUSICAL THEATER NIGHT, beeeeautiful Boystown bar, but not for every guest. Market - they had great drink specials (Ketel for $5) and cotton candy for my little sis but the experience was lack-luster and a little boring.

“It was super simple…”

…said this girl. Which, normally, I would roll my eyes with a smile on my face because she is just so damn perfect and lovable and everything that’s good. But you know what? She was right! J-Boo and I set out for a few ingredients and only got sidetracked for one beer. Yes, you should be impressed. You would also be impressed incredibly disgusted by the amount I was able to put away of this goodness. We added a twist or two to her recipe, so here is ours:

Ingredients:

• 1 small onion
• 2 cloves garlic
• 1/4 c. banana peppers
• turkey sausage (Amber used veggie sausage!)
• 1 container of Philadelphia Cream Cheese cooking cream in Savory Garlic
• 1/2 c. tomato sauce (Amber used 1/2 c. of chicken broth!)
• pasta, pasta, pasta (Amber used whole wheat! We did not.)

Directions:

1. Saute, in olive oil, the onion, garlic, banana peppers and sausage.

2. Cook noodles. I include this instruction because I almost forgot. Shut up.

3. In a big bowl, combine cooking cream and tomato sauce.

4. Mix in onion, garlic, peppers and sausage.

5. Add in noodles and top with parmesan. (Amber also added cherry tomatoes!)

6. Eat your face off.

I’ve been harassed for more photos of our new place and I promise they’re coming…just let us get a few more pieces of art up first.

Illinois Licenses: An Itinerary

1. Take the Brown Line two stops to Washington/Wells and walk into the deep, dark, hallowed halls of the County Clerk Office.

2. Wait in line, well before the 8 a.m. opening, and realize that you have all necessary documents EXCEPT existing Florida license. Restrain yourself from inputting fist to face of any kind. (After all, you may want two licenses for your terrorist extracurricular activities.)

3. Take the Brown Line home, obtain Florida license.

4. Take the Brown Line two stops to Washington/Wells and walk into the deep, dark, hallowed halls of the County Clerk Office.

5. Fight back tears when told that, while it doesn’t list it on the website, a marriage license is required with a birth certificate. 

6. Show credit report as proof of both maiden and married name + social security number. Show social security card. Show extreme annoyance and frustration. Take two steps to the LEFT and wait for manager.

7. Let a single tear slide down your cheek when approaching manager - white male in his early-mid 50s. Suppress joy when you realize, immediately, that he wants nothing more than to help you stop crying.

8. Explain situation, while maybe allowing one or two more tears to escape. Tell him about your April 30th wedding. Tell him you’re from Indiana. Get excited when he says his daughter graduated from Indiana University. Talk some more. Grovel for his help.

9. Take successfully completed application to a new line and obtain written test. Take written test in 2 minutes and 30 seconds or less.

10. Watch as Hispanic male, in his late 40s, scribbles all over grades test, winks at you and says “You cut it close.”

11. Wait for license photo to be taken, give email address to first helpful clerk (for daughter, eventual alumni participation and likely new stalker), smile pretty, wait another minute and destination will be in your effing hand. BOO YA.

END: 

The Details

Blink 182 sang about ‘em, so did Jason Mraz. And while some schmuck has made a killing on a bathroom reader about not sweating the small stuff, it’s those little things that make all the difference. Like ol’ Jacky said:

Be in love with your life. Every detail of it. 
-Kerouac

A few of today’s details for ya:

1. Ordering this print for our home. Why the cuss not? We so foxy. Also, this site in general. We’ve already designed our first-born’s room - boy and girl. Check it, yo!

2. Eating freshly grilled chicken salads by candle light. Something light, healthy and innovative with our leftover chicken grilled in our unseasonably warm weather. Light candles for that meal you’re making at home. You deserve it!

3. I have excellent credit. Yeah, EXCELLENT. And the only thing lowering it is a lack of real estate loans. The boy has plenty of those. (Also filed under “You know you’re old when…”)
 

4. My sister - making it work! She’s DOING this, NOT that. Are you?

5. New furniture, fo’ free, from West Elm! Next time you’re pondering what to get a friend or family member for any occasion, why not team up with others to give a single gift with higher value? My family put their heads together and came up with West Elm gift cards. A fine example of more being more. 

DO This, NOT That

Here are five things that I think you should do this week. Not next week. This week. Some are easy and might already be part of your daily routine, but others are easily forgotten. And how about this? I will also do them and we’ll all check in next Sunday to see how it goes.

1. DO Make Dinner at Home, NOT Order Out Again

• Don’t get me wrong, I hate cooking, and the boy does most of it, but it kinda grows on you. It’s healthy, fulfilling and makes your house smell real good. Oh, and then DO your dishes, grownup.

2. DO Try Something New, NOT Watch That Re-Run of Law & Order: SVU Again

• For me it’ll be a new heated yoga class. If you’re nervous or new to an area, get on Yelp and open your mind. Groupon is also a great way to do it for less. 

3. DO Makeout, NOT Check Your iPhone Every 10 Seconds

• If you have a lover (especially if he’s as handsome as mine!) then why the hell are you playing Farmville instead of Tonsil Hockey? I trust that you all will do this, no need to update me.

4. DO Write a Note, NOT Electronically

• Send it to one of the following: someone over 60, someone under 15, someone who won’t expect it and/or someone who deserves it. 

5. DO Get a Photo Printed and Frame It, NOT Post a Another Mobile Upload

• I’m putting this one on here just so that I have to do it. There are surprisingly few photos in our home for the Gs worth on the ol’ hard drive.