The one about HR best practices.

Suggestions and observations for those people in the business of people. (Disclaimer: I don’t presume to tell anyone how to do their job but they insisted on feedback, sooooo…)

• Assume that I can read — it’s fair. The only thing worse than Powerpoint presentations are being read to, word-for-word, from said snoozefests. 
• Furthermore, on the topic of literacy, please make sure that you have some. When reading the word ‘meritocracy,’ from your enlightening and encouraging Powerpoint it’s highly discouraged to mispronounce as ‘mediocracy.’ Though I was lucky enough to be paying attention, imagine all those new hires going home to their families thinking they work in an environment dedicated to your mediocrity and not your merits.
• We know you are the best at insurance — it’s your job. Poorly-constructed jokes about open enrollment et al are rarely understood and never appreciated.
• And while we’re on the topic of humor, let’s just agree that there is relatively little funny about your professional subject matter of choice. The only people in orientation who laugh at your attempts are the same ones who sat in the front row of your college courses.
• No matter how many times you say “really and truly special” regarding non-monetary incentives and rewards…it is not. You’ve lost us.
• Whispering race- or creed-specific identifiers (i.e. Spring Baskets versus *shhhhEaster Basketshhhh*) does not make them more or less offensive, it just makes you look stupid. You probably also said Freedom Fries at one point and, for that, I hate you.
• Race- and creed-specific identifiers should never, under any circumstances, contain the word ‘costume.’ Indian women do not wear costumes, clowns do.
• Getting candy for showing up = acceptable, awesome even. Getting candy for sharing your experiences with diversity = unacceptable. We are adults — not eight and, frankly, your story about cheap Japanese electronics and cute Canadian accents makes me ashamed to be an American.
• Donuts. For the love of God…DONUTS.

Best Regards,

The girl who went to the bathroom a lot and who will never get those eight hours back.